I was clicking around online the other day, pretty much minding my own business in a routine manner while looking at sports and news websites, when one of those block ads on the side of the page caught my eye.
Then it made me roll my eyes.
The ad was for a “raw meat hoodie,” and depicted a zip-up hooded sweater bearing a pattern that totally looked like a relatively well-marbled cut of steak. Yep, a steak sweater. I think it was a ribeye, but I’m really not sure; it could have been a sirloin.
I was like, “wow, food fashion gone wild.”
Of course, if someone was to actually wear a raw steak sweater, then why stop there? As we all know, it’s important to properly accessorize when trying to put together the perfect ensemble.
So, if I was a man and decided to go to the mall with my wife wearing my ribeye garb, I’d probably want to consider donning a Vidalia onion cap and maybe a pair of baked potato oxfords.
If I was a woman and went with my favorite filet mignon dress, I’d likely compliment it by going for the head-of-cabbage purse and perhaps a set of mango sneakers. If the weather was cold, I might even top things off with a knit cap that looks like an apple.
It occurs to me that this form of fashion wouldn’t work for several relatives in my family (both on my side and my wife’s) who are either vegetarian or even vegan.
I’m sure they would be OK with the fruit and veggie accessories, but for the main focus of their look, they would need something bearing a more acceptable pattern, like maybe a massaged kale salad. And how could anyone go wrong with a seaweed flakes pattern blazer or jean jacket?
Behold the “raw meat hoodie,” now available to anyone who cares.
So just out of curiosity, when you order your raw meat hoodie, do you get to pick your favorite cut? And if you’re of average size, do you go for medium, or medium rare? And can you send it back if it’s too marbled or too lean (with free shipping, of course)?
These are things I would think a person would want to know before food fashion finds its way into their closet.
And what about pets? Maybe I ought to look for a couple of pork chop doggie sweaters for our Corgi and Scotty. Nah, they might miss breakfast someday and mistake them for a solution to their hunger.
And why stop at fashion? Maybe Ford should come out with a “Mechanized Meat” line of F-150 trucks. They could be marketed as “Grilled Ford Tough.”
Same with Chevrolet. I can see it now: TV commercials for beefy Chevys with Bob Seger singing a short jingle about trucks that are “Like a Steak.”
And hey, maybe a sports team could come up with one of those “alternative” uniforms that looks like a steak. How cool would it be if the Chicago Bulls suited up for an NBA game looking like T-bones, or if the Yankees took the field for a Major League Baseball game on some Sunday afternoon wearing New York cut outfits?
OK, maybe not.
Anyway, I’m going to steer very clear of any present day food fashion trend – as well as any that go on in the near and distant future. I’m not at all against eating beef (or any other foods, for that matter; well, except snails). I’m just not sure I feel led to wear it.
Doug Davison is a writer, photographer and newsroom assistant for the Houston Herald.
Email: ddavison@houstonherald.com.
