As a public service, here are summaries of several breaking news stories that haven’t been presented by any mainstream media source (and probably won’t any time soon).
•ISIS in Southern California? Investigative sources in the Golden State indicate radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing everyone who is a U.S. citizen.
Police officials in the City of Angels fear the death toll could be as high as nine.
•Warner Bros. cartoon superstar Wile E. Coyote has filed charges against ACME Corporation and the Road Runner in Hollywood District Court. Coyote’s attorneys indicate he alleges ACME Corporation and The Road Runner conspired to make it impossible for him to catch Runner, which resulted in his subjection to unlimited pain, suffering and humiliation.
Coyote also claims he was not permitted any dialogue while Runner was allowed to say “beep beep” at will. The crafty canine icon (of Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies fame) also alleges he wasn’t even allowed to say “ouch” after being hit on the head by a falling anvil, landing at the bottom of a 500-foot cliff or enduring the blast from a barrel of TNT.
A representative of Runner declined comment, and only beeped twice.
•In a major shift in public opinion from a generation ago, a recent poll found that 74 percent of Americans would be comfortable blaming a female president for the problems facing the nation. Researchers indicate the U.S. is for the first time approaching a General Election year in which a significant majority of voters say they can envision denouncing everything a female president does and accusing her of being the single worst thing that has ever happened to the country.
In a further sign of Americans’ changing views, the study also found that 95 percent now believe they will resent and despise a female president in their lifetime.
•The American Medical Association (AMA) recently announced it will cease issuing warnings about newly-discovered health hazards until the public deals with its current backlog.
AMA officials said they’re tired of having urgent calls to action met with indifference and apathy.
“We’re constantly compiling information about thousands of potential hazards that can negatively affect your health and even prove fatal,” said an AMA spokesperson, “but we’re just going to keep it all to ourselves until ya’ll start wearing sunscreen outside and securing flat-screen TVs so they can’t topple over and crush children. From now on, our policy will be to share our knowledge on a one-for-one basis.
“In other words, you stop microwaving plastic food containers, and we’ll let you know some new findings about common cosmetic products that are deeply troubling.”
•Federal judge Richard M. Berman has indicated that having New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady on his fantasy football team played no role in his decision to overturn a four-game suspension leveled on Brady by the NFL in the “deflategate” scandal.
“My ruling was based entirely on legal precedent and factors in the case,” Berman said. “But I must say it will be awesome to see Tom in there for all sixteen games.”
Brady downplayed the role Berman’s fantasy team might have played in his legal victory.
“A win’s a win,” he said.
Doug Davison is a writer, photographer and newsroom assistant for the Houston Herald. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.