It’s safe to say that in this day and age defining marriage isn’t as easy as it once was.
But a story I read the other day takes that concept to an outlandish and extreme place, and it now has a lasting position in my “you can’t make this stuff up” file.
It seems that a 60-yearold woman in Fort Myers, Fla., has married a tree. Yep, a tree.
Oh, but Karen Cooper didn’t tie the knot with just any tree. She’s the bride of a 100-year-old ficus that’s the focal point of a neighborhood park that the city was planning to cut down.
The massive tree boasts an 8,000-square-foot canopy. It’s rooted on city property, but some of its canopy and roots extend to an adjacent lot that’s for sale.
After meeting and considering the situation, the Fort Myers Beautification Advisory Board approved the tree’s removal and replacement with multiple smaller trees. Cooper subsequently “married” it during a community event to draw attention its plight and – hopefully – reverse the city’s plans.
About 80 people reportedly attended the ceremony, which featured music, flowers and food.
Alrighty then. A few questions and an observation.
How do we know a tree said, “I do?”
What in the world is used as a wedding ring for a giant plant?
What music does a ficus want to hear and what does it eat during its wedding reception?
Where does the happy couple go for a honeymoon?
And I guess any offspring in the equation will have to be adopted.
Now, I think it’s only fair that I cushion my claim that this matrimonial union between a female human and a tree is outlandish and extreme. In their defense, it’s worth pointing out that women marrying trees isn’t new at all.
In fact, it’s kind of a “thing” in Mexico, where ladies have more than once wed wood in the name of promoting the curbing of unchecked deforestation.
Ah, but the peculiar marriage wheel doesn’t stop there. In fact, apparently almost anything goes in India, where a girl might marry a dog to avoid bad luck in her life, a frog to prompt the rain god to have mercy on parched fields or a snake to spur the gaining of favor from – you guessed it – the snake god.
And yes, a woman in India might even marry a tree to dodge the evil influence of, well, whatever source of evil influence is deemed worthy of dodging. But for the record, the same evil-influencedodging effect can apparently be achieved by marrying a clay pot and then breaking it after the ritual is completed.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like the clay pot deal sort of lowers the importance of trees a few rungs on the weird marriage ladder.
Anyway, I’d say the marriage between Ms. Cooper and Mr. Ficus must have been a “treemendous” occasion. And for what it’s worth, I hope authorities in Fort Myers ultimately spare the groom.
If they don’t, will Cooper be a widow or a “woodow?”
Doug Davison is a writer, photographer and newsroom assistant for the Houston Herald. His columns are posted online at www.houstonherald.com.