OFF THE CUFF

I always laugh when I hear comedian Jeff Foxworthy doing one of his iconic “you might be a redneck” routines.

In that same humorous spirit, here’s another set of reasons “you might be from the Ozarks.” This one’s dedicated to the strange times we’re all living through.

If you think COVID-19 is a type of smokeless tobacco, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think a stay-at-home order refers to having pizza delivered to your house, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think social distancing means staying away from Facebook, you might be from the Ozarks (and you might be pretty smart).

If you think coronavirus is a sickness you get from drinking too much of a particular brand of beer, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think shelter-in-place refers to somewhere homeless people go in the big city, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think a 6-foot rule is a 72-inch long tape measure, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think a pandemic is a ride at a carnival midway, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think PPE is a class you were forced to take in grade school, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think self-quarantining offers a wonderful opportunity to binge-watch all seven seasons of The Dukes of Hazzard, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think flattening the curve is something achieved with lots of exercise, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think the phrase “wet market” refers to an outdoor place where farmers sell their goods in the rain, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think the CDC is a college sports conference, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you think the WHO is an English classic rock group, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you still take your dogs on walks every day, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you recently invited friends over and sat around the fire pit about three feet apart, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you wonder why almost nobody is being tested for COVID-19, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you wonder why almost every business in town appears to be “essential” (because they’re pretty much all open), you might be from the Ozarks.

If you wonder why visitors are not allowed at nursing homes, but employees are allowed to come and go without anyone keeping track of where they’ve been, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’re not so sure what the real reason is that’s forcing us to face so much adversity right now, you might be from the Ozarks.

If you’re hoping and praying we can get through this without facing many more challenges than we already have, you might be from the Ozarks.

Stay healthy.

Doug Davison is a writer, photographer and newsroom assistant for the Houston Herald.

Email: ddavison@houstonherald.com.

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